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LGBTQQAILOLWTF?!
5 hours ago
American Teen-age Penus: The Pursuit of the Pussay
Next week, A Life Podcast is planning on doing a show about Asexuality and Self Identity. If you have any comments/stories etc you'd like to tell, you can contact them on facebook or at the website. You may to stay anonymous if you wish :)
Coincidentally, I recently wrote a post about identity titled "My Asexiness is...". Read the comment from Slightly Metaphysical, who makes some really insightful points.
I choose to put forth some effort, for you (yes, you), of course, to articulate my asexuality; to perhaps inspire you to explore your asexuality, spirituality, and to further understanding. Nevertheless, all this is theorizing, is it not?:
My asexuality is a frivolous reclamation of sorts. When I was younger I had no real sense of self. (It may have had something to do with my being born and raised for seven years in another non-Western country). And because of this I picked up whatever was around me at any given moment. This is not to say that I wasn't selective, I was.
In fact, I should be a christian right now but I selected what fit my sense of not-self. (When I say "not-self", I refer to the idea that self and identity are not concrete things somewhere out there or in a specific location in the head). Seemingly, the most natural thing for me to have done with my intermittent flowing self-identities was to switch over to Buddhism, slowly. Now I consider myself mostly agnostic with nothing more than admiration for Jesus, the Christ. But, I still go to church with my family; it's a tough exercise! Phew!
Same thing with my asexuality: it seemed most natural not to fight American teen age-conditioning. That energy was used for other things; for example, I needed to keep out societal nonsense informing and warning me that I am a "Black" man, which is an identity I still am reluctant to use for my self; I needed it to find life interesting, and remain blissfully happy and not commit suicide; to be the best drummer in school; to be the best person all my friends and their parents knew, etc.
I let my asexuality lay dormant only to exercise it through my inactive, nonexistent really, “pursuit of pussy”.
Coincidentally, I recently wrote a post about identity titled "My Asexiness is...". Read the comment from Slightly Metaphysical, who makes some really insightful points.
I choose to put forth some effort, for you (yes, you), of course, to articulate my asexuality; to perhaps inspire you to explore your asexuality, spirituality, and to further understanding. Nevertheless, all this is theorizing, is it not?:
My asexuality is a frivolous reclamation of sorts. When I was younger I had no real sense of self. (It may have had something to do with my being born and raised for seven years in another non-Western country). And because of this I picked up whatever was around me at any given moment. This is not to say that I wasn't selective, I was.
In fact, I should be a christian right now but I selected what fit my sense of not-self. (When I say "not-self", I refer to the idea that self and identity are not concrete things somewhere out there or in a specific location in the head). Seemingly, the most natural thing for me to have done with my intermittent flowing self-identities was to switch over to Buddhism, slowly. Now I consider myself mostly agnostic with nothing more than admiration for Jesus, the Christ. But, I still go to church with my family; it's a tough exercise! Phew!
Same thing with my asexuality: it seemed most natural not to fight American teen age-conditioning. That energy was used for other things; for example, I needed to keep out societal nonsense informing and warning me that I am a "Black" man, which is an identity I still am reluctant to use for my self; I needed it to find life interesting, and remain blissfully happy and not commit suicide; to be the best drummer in school; to be the best person all my friends and their parents knew, etc.
I let my asexuality lay dormant only to exercise it through my inactive, nonexistent really, “pursuit of pussy”.
To The Refinery!
HOORAY FOR OLD JOURNALS!
I was looking through one of my livejournals and found a post that offered some evidence that I was aware of my asexuality during my high school years. I have to look through my older journals to see if I dropped more hints.
Did you keep a journal before you found out about AVEN and alternative sexuality? Look through it, you might find something interesting, even inspiring. Here's the post:
..i've shibbied it up about 5-6 times since then. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again till 420.
Umm... Love... I still stand the same.. I have no clue what the fuck that Love thing is. I don’t know who I love. I don’t even think I Love my mom... I mean I’d protect/defend her from danger, but that’s only cuz she has this Love for me and shes done a lot and put up with a lot of shit. I have a low sexual frustration level. Or..—I think I went asexual—till I started working at a Health Grocery shop. I still was a sexual, but there would be moment where there’d be an explosion of Blueball.
There were a lot fondling and hardcore, dry-humping thoughts. The person I spent the most time with wasn’t “hot”, she was just interesting... and... female, I guess.
To end this. I’ve picked up 2 books. I said I was going to try reading 2 books(of MY choosing and not for school) at the same time before but I dint do it. I may have "blueballs"... But what holds me back from all these females that I definitely [have the confidence to woo], is the “so what-then" factor/aspects.. I dunno Im’ done move on.
My Asexiness is...
My asexual identity is in a diametric op-position to the modern world system with its patriarchy, objectification, and misogyny. Asexuals, Feminists, unite!
[edited on 28Jan, for "clarity"]
[edited on 28Jan, for "clarity"]
Sex-less-ness and Enso
At some point I realized verbalizing about my asexuality creates noise in the usual essential quietude of my sexless world view.
FAIL: Monkey See, Monkey Doo
I've recently noticed some characteristics of the angry asexual in myself. Most of the writing ideas that I'm inspired to post are mostly not positive. It's time for a hiatus.
Here are three posts by Ily and Asexual Love that articulate my feelings on sexuality in general: one on delusion, another on delusion-in-action, and a third on programming. And this post was the wake-up call to my current experience.
And now, a list:
Here are three posts by Ily and Asexual Love that articulate my feelings on sexuality in general: one on delusion, another on delusion-in-action, and a third on programming. And this post was the wake-up call to my current experience.
And now, a list:
1. Life is filled with assumptions and premises that are imbued with ignorance and inattention.
2. Lack of thorough, unbiased observation and lack of concentration are the causes of these assumptions and faulty premises.
3. There is a way to awaken ourselves; it is possible to gain access to the controls of our automated patterns, reactions and psychic formations.
4. Living life on purpose, with conscious positive or neutral(izing) intention, attention and awareness, will provide for a heartfelt, honest, authenticity.
Monogamy & TV
One of the people I met at an asexy meetup referenced some article on the nature of marriage and relationship. After searching online I found a few. Here's one: Is Monogamy Natural?
----
I finally sat down to watch some TV with my sister. Two days ago we watched an ABC lineup, all three show were centered on sex. Topping off the night was Cougartown, a show about age and sex. Then yesterday I watched Seinfeld, a favorite, and was incredibly disappointed that it was an entire show dedicated to orgasms. It was a terrible two days. I am experiencing much animosity at the moment.
----
I finally sat down to watch some TV with my sister. Two days ago we watched an ABC lineup, all three show were centered on sex. Topping off the night was Cougartown, a show about age and sex. Then yesterday I watched Seinfeld, a favorite, and was incredibly disappointed that it was an entire show dedicated to orgasms. It was a terrible two days. I am experiencing much animosity at the moment.
What is this?
This is a response to Asexy Beast's post on Asexual Doubt in their entertaining and intriguing series, Things Asexuals Like.
Asexual doubt is a matter of confidence: confidence in oneself in the face of the future, a community, new relationships, and whatever else arises as a challenge, be it psychic/mental anxiety/disorder/confusion, or social or resistance to intimate physicality. (You, for example, have great confidence in yourself as a complete being, and you have worked out and incorporated your asexuality to a sure steadfast, correct?)
When we begin to deal with these challenges, doubt plays an important role, by raising red flags. The more red flags that arise concerning a particular subject or experience, the more attention is needed in said area.
As a condition, the youthfulness of the asexual community offers little to no depth of consciousness; and when there is historical perspective it's usually in the form of pathologized arbitration or medicalization of a this our awesome, asexual, human condition. I, for one, am one of the unlucky people who have internalized the school of thought that pathologizes asexuality. I repeatedly approach my asexuality as though it is a culmination of experiences floating somewhere out in space, disregarding it as a way of being, who I am and how I experience life and love.
As a former default-heterosexual, I found doubt very helpful. Every time there is doubt it means I am still holding onto something and do not understand why I feel the way I do about something. Ughh, I am being vague again... I think what I am trying to say, in simpler terms is. I may have been, and may continue to be, a false positive heterosexual. All my relation-ships from my earliest memories through my teen years until now (I am 20) were internally asexual but experienced externally (if that makes sense) as sexual and polarized. I still cling to some of my heterosexual tendencies and patterns of thought even since 3 years ago when I "found" the asexual community (yay, I'm Saved!) and have become invested in attempting to reconnect with my true, unadulterated, self the "honest I". I think that is what doubt leads to: It leads to us really attempting to figure out our sexuality, to reassure ourselves that we are not just wagon-jumpers willing to delude ourselves into alter-normative safe havens for our introspective natures.
And yes, asexuality is that awesome. I want so badly to properly claim my asexuality!
Another commenter said:
Asexual doubt is a matter of confidence: confidence in oneself in the face of the future, a community, new relationships, and whatever else arises as a challenge, be it psychic/mental anxiety/disorder/confusion, or social or resistance to intimate physicality. (You, for example, have great confidence in yourself as a complete being, and you have worked out and incorporated your asexuality to a sure steadfast, correct?)
When we begin to deal with these challenges, doubt plays an important role, by raising red flags. The more red flags that arise concerning a particular subject or experience, the more attention is needed in said area.
As a condition, the youthfulness of the asexual community offers little to no depth of consciousness; and when there is historical perspective it's usually in the form of pathologized arbitration or medicalization of a this our awesome, asexual, human condition. I, for one, am one of the unlucky people who have internalized the school of thought that pathologizes asexuality. I repeatedly approach my asexuality as though it is a culmination of experiences floating somewhere out in space, disregarding it as a way of being, who I am and how I experience life and love.
As a former default-heterosexual, I found doubt very helpful. Every time there is doubt it means I am still holding onto something and do not understand why I feel the way I do about something. Ughh, I am being vague again... I think what I am trying to say, in simpler terms is. I may have been, and may continue to be, a false positive heterosexual. All my relation-ships from my earliest memories through my teen years until now (I am 20) were internally asexual but experienced externally (if that makes sense) as sexual and polarized. I still cling to some of my heterosexual tendencies and patterns of thought even since 3 years ago when I "found" the asexual community (yay, I'm Saved!) and have become invested in attempting to reconnect with my true, unadulterated, self the "honest I". I think that is what doubt leads to: It leads to us really attempting to figure out our sexuality, to reassure ourselves that we are not just wagon-jumpers willing to delude ourselves into alter-normative safe havens for our introspective natures.
And yes, asexuality is that awesome. I want so badly to properly claim my asexuality!
Another commenter said:
Personally, I've also felt like my asexuality has become a major part of my life, but I've also seen aces say that they don't particularly care about it or think about it daily. In my experience, though, most heterosexuals don't tend to ponder their orientation in the same way many LGBTQIAA+ folks do. While I don't think the media has a complete monopoly over our self-image, I think that if asexuality gains more visibility and recognition, the doubting and overanalysis may decrease somewhat as acceptance grows.I totally agree that doubt will increase. Both asexual introverts and introverted asexuals may find the community less a safe space to explore their lack of sexuality as general public social consciousness of asexuality increases. RED FLAGS OF DOUBT GALORE!!!
Physics: Asexuality
"Asexuality is a description, not a commitment. If it changes in the future for me, then that's that. Either I was wrong about my orientation, or my orientation changed. It is thought that asexuality, like other sexual orientations, can sometimes change, but it is rare, and not by conscious choice. Basically, I'm not going to count on it."
Check out Skeptic's Play post, "Yes I Am Asexual"
Asexuality and "the game"
I ran across this picture on the net today. It seemed relevant to today's post. It was captioned "learning young" (heterosexist humor)...There is no endgame
There is an idea in buddhism that one must strive- or maybe it was "not to strive"- to reach a point where they stop thought-ing. Some call this a state of no-mind, others call it enlightenment. Either way, everything that is done is done naturally, with equanimity. There are no delusional endgames: nothing to fuel ego-grasping...
In this way, I believe, practical buddhism and asexuality go hand-in-hand: there are only joyous adventures to be had without end "games".
Anger and Peace, Beauty in the Beast
I have been sitting zazen often for the past couple of weeks. Just about every morning I wake up and sit and watch my mind for anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes. It has been a revealing practice. I have become increasingly attuned to my feelings, I find that there is a lot of anger and anxiety, a continual gushing of hostility.
The reason for all this negative energy is obvious. It has to do with my verve for truth, consciousness, and awareness; this in addition to my recent dabbling with the skeptics, champions of reason and critical thinkers like James Randi, Richard Dawkins, Michael Shermer and their associates and associations.
There is just so much baloney out there. Baloney referring to astute producers of baloney, which in turn proves a baloney case. And this signifies truth. Because of this, we must all remain very conscious and ware of all our thoughts and actions. As the great thinker Jiddu Krishnamurthi once said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
I must be in the throes of good health. A side effect- a direct-effect really- of which is that I experience much anger in reaction to the function of the world. Excuse me, my perception of the function of the world. As an avowed Buddhist, I try my best to express myself and see the world positively or with neutrality. But it is all just so overwhelming. It is overwhelming to see why there is so much suffering (an incredibly vicious and stupefying cycle). As an avowed Buddhist, I have to accept suffering, mine and that of the world, as truth and reality. I have to deeply understand that suffering, dissatisfaction, and tumult are integral parts in this world of form, consciousness, personality, and attachment. In hindsight, my reactivity is a part of the condition of this vicious cycle.
For every time I see blatantly unconscious, distracted couples, or whenever I see a sexually charged promo for a night club and react in holier-than-thou, morally conscious manner, and as though my sense of self were under attack, every time that happens I buy into the sick society. I forget that critical thinking, skepticism, lay buddhism, and some forms of asexuality are continual practices. We have to stay on top of our game, and eventually, hopefully, being conscious and asexual in the world will be less of a chore. We will be more skilled in dealing with the ish. We will exist with great peace. I think the key is to be eternally accepting. (Sort of like that rule of improvisational theater, "never deny another's reality," or, “always say yes.")
To remain conscious in a sexual society is to be asexual, or as some would argue, pomosexual. Every action taken by an "adult" or young adult ought to enrich consciousness and awareness. Really, it ought to be this way because most if not all actions we take and thoughts we form are directly or indirectly informed by education and conditioning of society and are, therefore, manifestations of subconscious seduction and advocation for ideas beyond our own volition, understanding and history. Honestly, it is a kind and considerate gesture to the sexual world for someone to be asexual; to postpone sexual advances and advancement until there is total conscious will. In this way of being we help stop not-rape. (For more notes on not-rape see shades of gray's post on not-rape and fugitivus post on not-rape)
(I have to say, I am not very happy with the definition of asexuality that "we just don't experience sexual attraction" ... Some argue that some asexuals are pomosexual. While this may be true for some people, like the angry or hostile asexual, pomosexuality holds little interest for the asexual except perhaps to further community, education, and pride with the LGBT&friends movement.)
And this brings me to the great realization I experienced these past few weeks of sitting: though I feel as though there is more to be explored in asexual identity, I also wish to return to the sexual realm with my gained knowledge, confidence, and awareness of self and other: a greater appreciation of "I and thou" vs. objectification. If I were to explore further my asexy identity, I would probably end up with my head (further?) up my ass. Really, there can only be so much analyzing by the asexual without them subverting and undermining their reality. (see asexy beast post on what asexuals like)
Asexuality is natural, a neutral state of consciousness. Asexuality humbles and piques awareness, so any forcefulness and anger that arises about the conduct of the world is steeped in ignorance; furthermore, asexuals do not belong on high horses claiming "higher" moral ground. An ancient habit, really. Even on our journey to build community and respect we must remember to remain as we are, humble and confident.
The reason for all this negative energy is obvious. It has to do with my verve for truth, consciousness, and awareness; this in addition to my recent dabbling with the skeptics, champions of reason and critical thinkers like James Randi, Richard Dawkins, Michael Shermer and their associates and associations.
There is just so much baloney out there. Baloney referring to astute producers of baloney, which in turn proves a baloney case. And this signifies truth. Because of this, we must all remain very conscious and ware of all our thoughts and actions. As the great thinker Jiddu Krishnamurthi once said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
I must be in the throes of good health. A side effect- a direct-effect really- of which is that I experience much anger in reaction to the function of the world. Excuse me, my perception of the function of the world. As an avowed Buddhist, I try my best to express myself and see the world positively or with neutrality. But it is all just so overwhelming. It is overwhelming to see why there is so much suffering (an incredibly vicious and stupefying cycle). As an avowed Buddhist, I have to accept suffering, mine and that of the world, as truth and reality. I have to deeply understand that suffering, dissatisfaction, and tumult are integral parts in this world of form, consciousness, personality, and attachment. In hindsight, my reactivity is a part of the condition of this vicious cycle.
For every time I see blatantly unconscious, distracted couples, or whenever I see a sexually charged promo for a night club and react in holier-than-thou, morally conscious manner, and as though my sense of self were under attack, every time that happens I buy into the sick society. I forget that critical thinking, skepticism, lay buddhism, and some forms of asexuality are continual practices. We have to stay on top of our game, and eventually, hopefully, being conscious and asexual in the world will be less of a chore. We will be more skilled in dealing with the ish. We will exist with great peace. I think the key is to be eternally accepting. (Sort of like that rule of improvisational theater, "never deny another's reality," or, “always say yes.")
To remain conscious in a sexual society is to be asexual, or as some would argue, pomosexual. Every action taken by an "adult" or young adult ought to enrich consciousness and awareness. Really, it ought to be this way because most if not all actions we take and thoughts we form are directly or indirectly informed by education and conditioning of society and are, therefore, manifestations of subconscious seduction and advocation for ideas beyond our own volition, understanding and history. Honestly, it is a kind and considerate gesture to the sexual world for someone to be asexual; to postpone sexual advances and advancement until there is total conscious will. In this way of being we help stop not-rape. (For more notes on not-rape see shades of gray's post on not-rape and fugitivus post on not-rape)
(I have to say, I am not very happy with the definition of asexuality that "we just don't experience sexual attraction" ... Some argue that some asexuals are pomosexual. While this may be true for some people, like the angry or hostile asexual, pomosexuality holds little interest for the asexual except perhaps to further community, education, and pride with the LGBT&friends movement.)
And this brings me to the great realization I experienced these past few weeks of sitting: though I feel as though there is more to be explored in asexual identity, I also wish to return to the sexual realm with my gained knowledge, confidence, and awareness of self and other: a greater appreciation of "I and thou" vs. objectification. If I were to explore further my asexy identity, I would probably end up with my head (further?) up my ass. Really, there can only be so much analyzing by the asexual without them subverting and undermining their reality. (see asexy beast post on what asexuals like)
Asexuality is natural, a neutral state of consciousness. Asexuality humbles and piques awareness, so any forcefulness and anger that arises about the conduct of the world is steeped in ignorance; furthermore, asexuals do not belong on high horses claiming "higher" moral ground. An ancient habit, really. Even on our journey to build community and respect we must remember to remain as we are, humble and confident.
Pomosexual asexual
I may be part pomosexual. I still have to clear this brainwashing. Once the dust settles I will know, if it ever does. If not, I guess I am once again, pluralist.
Pomosexual: portmanteau of postmodernism abbreviated to pomo and sexual; it is a neologism used to describe a person who shuns sexual orientation labels (such as heterosexual and homosexual), and in turn chooses not to label oneself with a sexual orientation. It is not to be confused with asexuality, which is a sexual orientation used to describe an individual who does not experience sexual attraction
las preguntas del sexo (SEX QUESTIONS)
To do:
1. propagate the species
2. play solitaire and sweep mines
~ facebook status
The following is a survey I found at the What do you mean by sex? asexy blog. The author had a lot of interesting responses that, in retrospect make mine seem not up to par. I think what happened here was I just intuited some ideas which I believe are important to conserve as a conscious asexual. My responses are prone to change and I will update and edit as I explore asexuality.
1. How would you define/describe asexuality?
Asexuality is intrinsically vague by its alternormative nature. It is the space between. It is what was there before...
Asexuality to me is getting back to the essence of what makes us human and not animal. I believe asexuality is an ability. For some it is natural, retained from birth through adolescence; these people have not been acculturated to the environment and I do no imply that natural asexuals are dysfunctional. For others alsexuality is realized or slowly realized over time, after several illogical, impressive life events, be they sexual experiences or not.
I fall somewhere between the two camps.
2. How would you define/describe sexual attraction?
Sexual attraction is a biased intrigue in another person. It is an affinity for that which is not oneself. Some seem more attractive because they, the object or person of affection, appeal to certain feelings. For example I am sexualy attracted to peoples with high foreheads because I shared deep feelings with someone who had such that facial feature; I experienced pleasent feelings and reactions while looking at their face.
In another way, more related to intrigue as a basis for sexual attraction, a person may be sexually attracted to someone whom they just wish to figure out. Since we're talking about sexuality here, the sex (phenotypes/genitalia) of affecter is a factor....
For example, the less probable the configuration of body parts, logic, (after verbal communication) and psychic energies of an attractive person, the more "attraction" there is.
It is difficult to differentiate and separate sexual attraction from biological urges, the first of which is bound by social and physical (sexual) conditioning and environment.
As my asexuality was more of a realization than a natural occurance, for me, all of this logic goes into the culmination of attraction. To truly be sexually attracted to someone is a chore, a chore well-worth the effort in the end.
I think asexuals only experience authentic "sexual" attraction.
3. How would you define/describe sexual desire?
Hate to sound like a geek, but:
Sexual desire is a conglomerate of programs written into the psyche by past physical, pleasant experiences. The keyword here is pleasant. These programs run when certain triggers are present in the mind or the environment of the asexual. Everyone, even asexuals, likes pleasant feelings. Some of those feelings may be sexual or just about kindness and compassion or sadistic or masochistic, or aesthetic beauty/appreciation, yes?
4. How would you define/describe romantic attraction?
Romantic attraction is reserved for the pairing-off phenomena in sexual people. For asexuals, romantic attraction can be experienced when there is an adventure to be shared between one or more asexual and non-asexual persons. And this attraction cannot be easily applied to just anyone. Asexual romantic attraction may never end and there usually are no goals or "end-games" that are relatable to, and usually present in sexually-oriented romantic attraction.
Romantic attraction is always stable and mutual or easily reciprocated, without much effort.
5. What are some factors that initially lead you to consider yourself as an asexual?
* NON-SEXUAL BIAS to conversation partners
* NEGATIVE FEELINGS experienced when thoughts possessiveness occured in relationships
* DISCOMFORT and LACK OF LOGIC in societally-mandated, active pursuit of sexual partner
* Numerous NONSEXUAL BUDDHIST ideas and practices
* LOW AMOUNT or LACK OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE and effective, experiencial sexual conditioning
6. How would you distinguish asexuality from a sexual dysfunction such as sexual desire disorder?
I wouldn't care to do that. But for me, a part of my asexuality is about FREEDOM, CONSCIOUSNESS, and AWARENESS.
Sexual Desire Disorder depends on a there being a victim experience. Meanwhile, asexuality is more likely empowering and liberating. I mean there are some tough choices to be made and tribulations to be faced after "realizing" asexuality, but nothing that eclipses the sense of freedom and emotional awareness experienced by ones discovery of asexuality.
7. How might you have described your sexuality BEFORE you came across the term 'asexual'?
Mimicry
Pitiful, pathetic, and inauthentic, raw/base, uncomfortable, nerve-wracking, anxiety-triggering, unconscious MIMICRY.
8. What questions would you use (without describing or using the term 'asexual') to identify an individual who might be asexual but has not yet come across the term?
* Honestly, do you like penis?
* Honestly, do you like vagina?
* Are you a virgin? Is this a choice, problem, or because of lack of interest?
* Were you disappointed by your first sexual encounter? Describe [why?] (questioner pays attention to polarity of terms used in description)
* Will you like to get married one day? Why? (questioner pays attention to logic and polarity of sentences used in answer)
* What goes through your mind when you see an attractive person? (pay attention to hackneyed and inauthentic response, expressions, and lack of sexual descriptiveness)
Nothingness and Asexuality
Meditating into light and mind,
Ava~ realized the essence of nothingness:
The facts arose in her mind:
Our apparatus of sentience is form,
Form shapes sentience--but
Form is inherently empty without value
And that emptiness is only defined by form
For ever, to the end of time
Time is a matter of form
Time is a formal ignorance of emptiness
Time is irrelevant in the vastness of our universe
Without time
There is no going
There is no coming
No yearning
No remembrance
No beginning, and
No end
Only one, naturally flowing form
From emptiness to nothingness
Form disintegrates with value
nataliedee.com
In emptinessness nature resides
In emptiness, sex is form
In form, the body arises
In form, sex is nature
To realize emptiness in form
One may do as they please
Knowing it is all a play on form
Which is inherently empty
Form is empty
Emptiness is form
Then I found ten dollars
Ava~ realized the essence of nothingness:
The facts arose in her mind:
Our apparatus of sentience is form,
Form shapes sentience--but
Form is inherently empty without value
And that emptiness is only defined by form
For ever, to the end of time
Time is a matter of form
Time is a formal ignorance of emptiness
Time is irrelevant in the vastness of our universe
Without time
There is no going
There is no coming
No yearning
No remembrance
No beginning, and
No end
Only one, naturally flowing form
From emptiness to nothingness
Form disintegrates with value
nataliedee.comIn emptinessness nature resides
In emptiness, sex is form
In form, the body arises
In form, sex is nature
To realize emptiness in form
One may do as they please
Knowing it is all a play on form
Which is inherently empty
Form is empty
Emptiness is form
Then I found ten dollars
To have OR to hold? That [ought to be] the question
natalie dee dot com"Lust awakens the desire to possess; and that awakens the intent to murder."
~ The Old Man, Spring Summer Fall Winter
"What goes through your mind when you see an attractive [person]?"
This question was posed to me last weekend. I saw it coming but was still caught off guard--well I guess I wasn't on guard, which is a good thing, I guess. I wasn't thinking about my asexuality the whole time; and looking around at the group, it seemed inappropriate and, frankly, unnecessary to raise a stink about asexuality and my asexuality. Instead, I talked about attraction.
I said something like "I take an anthropological approach to attraction. I usually look at the person to see how they're put together as a whole." I tend to pay attention to features on the head, which I guess isn't really attraction, but more like identification and classification (ethnic, ancestral, and geographic). The body part I appreciate most is the nose. I love looking at noses. All kinds of noses: Flat nose, bulbous nose, bony nose, shiny nose, wide based, upturned, low bridge, thin, or hooked... I looove them all. All of them. From all parts of the world.
A quick note, since we're on the issue, err, close: it's human to be racist, and society and recognition call for it. However, I'm not sure Race should have anything to do with civilization; and I do not give creedence to racialism, which is entirely delusional. I think we should all make an effort to learn about phenotypes, skin color, facial features, hair, bone structure etc. Because, it seems we are being dumbed-down by racial classification. I mean really, WTF?! There are more than five races in the world!! Okay ... back to the breath. Then there's the marginalization of people of multiple ethnicities or 'mixed' identity. Okay that was not a note. On we go...
This question was posed to me last weekend. I saw it coming but was still caught off guard--well I guess I wasn't on guard, which is a good thing, I guess. I wasn't thinking about my asexuality the whole time; and looking around at the group, it seemed inappropriate and, frankly, unnecessary to raise a stink about asexuality and my asexuality. Instead, I talked about attraction.
I said something like "I take an anthropological approach to attraction. I usually look at the person to see how they're put together as a whole." I tend to pay attention to features on the head, which I guess isn't really attraction, but more like identification and classification (ethnic, ancestral, and geographic). The body part I appreciate most is the nose. I love looking at noses. All kinds of noses: Flat nose, bulbous nose, bony nose, shiny nose, wide based, upturned, low bridge, thin, or hooked... I looove them all. All of them. From all parts of the world.
A quick note, since we're on the issue, err, close: it's human to be racist, and society and recognition call for it. However, I'm not sure Race should have anything to do with civilization; and I do not give creedence to racialism, which is entirely delusional. I think we should all make an effort to learn about phenotypes, skin color, facial features, hair, bone structure etc. Because, it seems we are being dumbed-down by racial classification. I mean really, WTF?! There are more than five races in the world!! Okay ... back to the breath. Then there's the marginalization of people of multiple ethnicities or 'mixed' identity. Okay that was not a note. On we go...
Asexuality is experienced in many ways. Some people have little or no reaction to physical or psychic stimulation, while, on the other hand, others experience desire and joy and sometimes are physically and psychically excitable. I'd like to think I fall in-between that spectrum, maybe more towards joy for and with others. ...hmm, maybe I do experience attraction... and maybe I always have, but not to the extent that I wish desperately to eject DNA nor to propagate humanity for the sake of tradition--at, least not while I'm in my right mind (I have a very interesting story to tell about nonsensical attraction and pre- and post-asexual squishing; I'll blog it when the time is right, when it comes). I just like people.
All this heterosexual baggage from society, history, biology, and economics/capitalism/religion... uggh sometimes I get the feeling that society wants to inflict on me, and all non-"normative" people, braindamage. Braindamage by conditioning, through direct approaches (SEX SELLS!) and subliminal manipulation (national/standard vocabulary and grammar thought control--through popular books, newspapers magazine... popular media).
I'm just generally intrigued by people who are ... not me--and no, my self-esteem and confidence border narcissistic, I'm fine. That is attraction for me. It's the kind of attraction that's held lightly. With a gentleness, and firmness, that keeps out dualistic thinking. Attraction must not be grasped or else it isn't attraction- it cannot be satisfied- anything more would probably be covetous tyranny, and neither attraction or love. There needs to be space between two things, or persons, for there to be attraction.
To want someone for yourself… To have someone… To claim… "To have and to hold"... hmm, I was hoping I could articulate some poetic, insightful thoughts about these phrases. Maybe we can say “word to the wise” and point to The Old Man’s quote at the top of this post.
Positive Metaphors: Asexy, Beautiful Garden
This post started as a secondary meme while I was reading the Shades of Gray post Positive Metaphors: Chandelier Culture in which they discuss the asexual community and lack of positive metaphors for the asexual experience. I agree with just about everything in the post. In fact, I wrote a post at Humble Thy Self about the stereotyping that goes on about differentiation in lifestyle, comparing the queer, or, alternormative movement with the tragedy of the 'confused mulato'.
It seems as though there is a closet swooping in and trapping as many communities as possible. Riiight...It makes sense to talk about the closet for visibility (to be along side the LGBT movement) but I am unsure the closet should be used for education. And if you have been reading my posts closely, you will be able to tell that I am not so much for pandemic groupthink. Groupthink needs to be emergent. This is partly why I have skirted the AVEN site for three years--and I still have not visited it for the past couple of weeks, since I became actively interested in my asexuality. I have been reading blogs instead; they are more sincere and get down to the pure, distilled, truths and reality of the asexual individual. There is much more to be learned from one-on-one discourse than there is in groupthink (and inbreeding).
One of my favorite asexuality blogs is What Do You Mean by Sex
When authors and bloggers look into their own thoughts and really sit down and face their asexuality, they find gold. Well, not gold but more like seeds. Seeds of a beautiful life, seeds of compassion and deep understanding. The seeds are located in the heart, where love resides. These seeds can be cultivated, right there and then in the pure soils of our body and mind and yield direct-experience and soon after, an authentic flower, or two.
The more we look into our hearts, the more seeds of beauty and positivity we find. Do we really need any more seed from such supermarkets like AVEN? We can receive seed from the hearts of fellow gardeners. We can visit other gardens and speak heart-to-heart and share our stories.
Coming out
I am growing a garden. A beautiful garden. I may have only one or two flowers, but they are beautiful flowers, deeply rooted flowers. Many more flowers will come to be as I discover and cultivate seeds of asexuality with mindfulness. There is much joy in gardening. It is definitely Asexy.
I think of it like Plato’s cave (Disclaimer: I have not really read for myself whatever it is he wrote about the cave). We hold truth and in our mind, the cave. When we come out of the cave to interact with others, or to visit the AVEN site, we collect more information and truths. We can then go back to our cave and recalibrate our reality (this is the key) with the new information so we are better able to live in the world. However, if we stay outside of the cave and continually calibrate our reality and essence with that of the world outside, our cave may grow unrecognizable. We may lose our selves.
After I received the transmission from the heart of Trix, gardener and author of What Do You Mean, the word "squish" illuminated the connection, relations and feelings I had experienced in middle school and high school, where there was maximum concentration and exposure to sex and sexuality. High school was a place where, throughout my adolescence, I was attracted to many people, I had many squishes. Especially in high school. "Squish", combined with the literal aspect of the word "queer" (positive, novel, and perpetual intrigue, as state of being, really), initiated a cascading of understanding that led up to today where I behold enlightenment.
Letter to a squish (after reviewing it several times, I've decided to post
only a section of the letter):
A poem:
It seems as though there is a closet swooping in and trapping as many communities as possible. Riiight...It makes sense to talk about the closet for visibility (to be along side the LGBT movement) but I am unsure the closet should be used for education. And if you have been reading my posts closely, you will be able to tell that I am not so much for pandemic groupthink. Groupthink needs to be emergent. This is partly why I have skirted the AVEN site for three years--and I still have not visited it for the past couple of weeks, since I became actively interested in my asexuality. I have been reading blogs instead; they are more sincere and get down to the pure, distilled, truths and reality of the asexual individual. There is much more to be learned from one-on-one discourse than there is in groupthink (and inbreeding).
One of my favorite asexuality blogs is What Do You Mean by Sex
When authors and bloggers look into their own thoughts and really sit down and face their asexuality, they find gold. Well, not gold but more like seeds. Seeds of a beautiful life, seeds of compassion and deep understanding. The seeds are located in the heart, where love resides. These seeds can be cultivated, right there and then in the pure soils of our body and mind and yield direct-experience and soon after, an authentic flower, or two.
The more we look into our hearts, the more seeds of beauty and positivity we find. Do we really need any more seed from such supermarkets like AVEN? We can receive seed from the hearts of fellow gardeners. We can visit other gardens and speak heart-to-heart and share our stories.
Coming out
I am growing a garden. A beautiful garden. I may have only one or two flowers, but they are beautiful flowers, deeply rooted flowers. Many more flowers will come to be as I discover and cultivate seeds of asexuality with mindfulness. There is much joy in gardening. It is definitely Asexy.
I did not 'come out'. I do not need to come out. I am not trapped in a closet. On contrary, I am getting in touch with the liberation that has been there since my birth.I have had one conversation that could equate to "coming out". It was written in the form of a short letter to someone on whom I have a squish. What Do You Mean unearthed and carried back to her garden a copy of this beautiful word. The information was retrieved from the AVEN site but it was distilled onto their blog. Moreover, in such a context they offer a heart-to-heart talk, without the distractions, clamor, and confusion usually found a forum. Then again, I have not visited in a while. AVEN may be different now.
I think of it like Plato’s cave (Disclaimer: I have not really read for myself whatever it is he wrote about the cave). We hold truth and in our mind, the cave. When we come out of the cave to interact with others, or to visit the AVEN site, we collect more information and truths. We can then go back to our cave and recalibrate our reality (this is the key) with the new information so we are better able to live in the world. However, if we stay outside of the cave and continually calibrate our reality and essence with that of the world outside, our cave may grow unrecognizable. We may lose our selves.
After I received the transmission from the heart of Trix, gardener and author of What Do You Mean, the word "squish" illuminated the connection, relations and feelings I had experienced in middle school and high school, where there was maximum concentration and exposure to sex and sexuality. High school was a place where, throughout my adolescence, I was attracted to many people, I had many squishes. Especially in high school. "Squish", combined with the literal aspect of the word "queer" (positive, novel, and perpetual intrigue, as state of being, really), initiated a cascading of understanding that led up to today where I behold enlightenment.
Letter to a squish (after reviewing it several times, I've decided to post
only a section of the letter):
...what's this all about? you may be wondering. It took me a bit of time to distill what was going on after our last meeting. Before I left, we put our hands together and some thing strange happened. My heart sort of ... broke. It felt like that moment I should really have wanted to 'like' you, but, it didn't happen. Could you could tell the exact moment? I think it shone on my face. Cuz I definitely felt it in my heart...area. It was a powerful emotion. Negative, positive, neutralizing? I'm still trying to figure that out. For the first time in almost 3 years I've been actively exploring my asexuality and you're really the first person I've come out to (i like to think of it as a blooming like a flower, an amaranth). Just trying to figuring it out. This is all very queer to me. Exciting. And nerve-wracking...
A poem:
Squish
Be not distracted by your attachments
Do not forget the humanity of squish
Squish, too, is human
Just like you.
Holding onto mental constructs of the squish
The sage, the lay, delays enlightenment
Squish has wishes, plans, and a full life story
Just like you.
In remberance, one opens the floodgates
Under the floodlights of awareness
Rust away the chains of duality
Reside in a state of perpetual metta
Remember the sage's eternal task:
Liberate the squish in mind & this realm
Wishing, "May all beings be happy!"
Metta, duh!
"May all beings be happy!"
Wow, how could I have written about anything besides metta in a buddhist blog concerning relationships between sentient beings? Metta is a difficult word despite its simple essence. Good luck trying to find it in the dictionary because it's probably not in there. This is because metta is a concept in Buddhist language- but generally a word that emerged from Eastern thought- that is difficult to translate into English. The closest translation is hybrid word: lovingkindness. I'll take care not to give a concrete definition of this word as most eastern languages, modern and ancient, for example, Pali and Sanskrit depend on vagueness and open-ended sentence structures.
The trail snakes away from your line of sight and around a bend. You hear some sounds coming from the creek below. You walk over towards the clamor and clear the shrubbery to get a clear view. Lions! And Tigers! And Bears! Aah! A baby! A lion with a deer leg in its mouth. You freak out, wanting so badly to dash in there and save the baby (and maybe a kitten or two). You take off through the brush.
One, persisting in the state of metta, should have no doubts, second or 3rd thoughts about feeding their hand to a starving dog by the road. Such an action should be as inconsequential as an autumn leaf falls to the ground.
Sexual Intercaste: (n. social psych, relations; interpersonal)
hierarchical system of perception and understanding in which a person relates to 'others' in terms of reproductive roles and genitalia, or sexuality and orientation, or all of the above.
Erasure II: An History
Buddha had a penis
During first year at university, I had the opportunity to fraternize with a person of religious affiliation not of my own. They aided me with some direct experience. At the time I was practicing Buddhism heavily and, in retrospect, I am glad our union was not a single drunken experience. That would have be doubly troublesome. It was a challenge to [maintain romance] in the relationship and it withered within a few months.
I'm unsure whether I was actively sabotaging our relation-ship, or whether it "just wasn't going to work out". Moreover, they did not attend the university that I attended and had certain motives that I justifiably did not trust. Nevertheless I appreciate and thank them for sharing their time with me.
Asexy friends
And even before then, I had one friend of the opposite sex--she is with vagina. Ours has been and still is primarily an asexual relationship (SEX NOT PERMITTED! lol, jk, it just never happened). It has taught and teaches me about ways to make love and be a good friend without touching each other's orifices. However, we do kiss (her idea, but I enjoy it also), which I guess is asexual in the biological and anatomical sense of the word. When I met her, we were not preoccupied with trying desperately to remove one another's pants. We just explored the high school jungle trip together. She has since then, about six years ago, relocated to a land far away.
We do plan to get together again. She is oriented and this puts me on edge a bit, now that I identify more as an asexual. But you know what? It's good to have a friend. A good friend-without-benefits.
I should mention I have few 'friends', in the common sense of the word, for simplicity: I want only a manageable amount of people living in my head, especially if they are cultured in the same environment as I. Many budding relationships have suffered or remained stagnant.
Finding A-life
I ran across asexuality (on facebook, then AVEN) while surfing the web a few months before I met my cultured lover and long after my asexual relationship with my sexual beloved. From what I gathered about the community, asexuality seemed very much based online and frankly, boring and seemed to have attributes of noob-ish inbreeding: much bickering and attention-seeking behavior. However, I now believe all this should be permitted and encouraged since only a tiny percentage of people in the general public seem to know about or and respect asexuality--neither do we. So, as they say, "the more the better", no matter the motive. I think it's all positively productive and adds to the conversation, which is what we need, more conversation.
That freshman year 2006-07, the idea of asexuality resounded clearly and distinctly in the deepest parts of my consciousness. I knew I would return: that the echoes would call back to me, someday. This is that day...well, week.
During first year at university, I had the opportunity to fraternize with a person of religious affiliation not of my own. They aided me with some direct experience. At the time I was practicing Buddhism heavily and, in retrospect, I am glad our union was not a single drunken experience. That would have be doubly troublesome. It was a challenge to [maintain romance] in the relationship and it withered within a few months.
I'm unsure whether I was actively sabotaging our relation-ship, or whether it "just wasn't going to work out". Moreover, they did not attend the university that I attended and had certain motives that I justifiably did not trust. Nevertheless I appreciate and thank them for sharing their time with me.
Doing Sex - Tips for the Adventurous Asexual: http://tinyurl.com/mgh3oj
Asexy friends
And even before then, I had one friend of the opposite sex--she is with vagina. Ours has been and still is primarily an asexual relationship (SEX NOT PERMITTED! lol, jk, it just never happened). It has taught and teaches me about ways to make love and be a good friend without touching each other's orifices. However, we do kiss (her idea, but I enjoy it also), which I guess is asexual in the biological and anatomical sense of the word. When I met her, we were not preoccupied with trying desperately to remove one another's pants. We just explored the high school jungle trip together. She has since then, about six years ago, relocated to a land far away.
We do plan to get together again. She is oriented and this puts me on edge a bit, now that I identify more as an asexual. But you know what? It's good to have a friend. A good friend-without-benefits.
I should mention I have few 'friends', in the common sense of the word, for simplicity: I want only a manageable amount of people living in my head, especially if they are cultured in the same environment as I. Many budding relationships have suffered or remained stagnant.
Finding A-life
I ran across asexuality (on facebook, then AVEN) while surfing the web a few months before I met my cultured lover and long after my asexual relationship with my sexual beloved. From what I gathered about the community, asexuality seemed very much based online and frankly, boring and seemed to have attributes of noob-ish inbreeding: much bickering and attention-seeking behavior. However, I now believe all this should be permitted and encouraged since only a tiny percentage of people in the general public seem to know about or and respect asexuality--neither do we. So, as they say, "the more the better", no matter the motive. I think it's all positively productive and adds to the conversation, which is what we need, more conversation.
That freshman year 2006-07, the idea of asexuality resounded clearly and distinctly in the deepest parts of my consciousness. I knew I would return: that the echoes would call back to me, someday. This is that day...well, week.
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