Anger and Peace, Beauty in the Beast

I have been sitting zazen often for the past couple of weeks. Just about every morning I wake up and sit and watch my mind for anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes. It has been a revealing practice. I have become  increasingly attuned to my feelings and find that there is a lot of anger and anxiety, a continual gushing of hostility.

The reason for all this negative energy is obvious. It has to do with my verve for truth, consciousness, and awareness; this in addition to my recent dabbling with the skeptics, champions of reason and critical thinkers like James Randi, Richard Dawkins, Michael Shermer and their associates and associations.

There is just so much baloney out there. Baloney referring to astute producers of baloney, which in turn proves a baloney case. And this signifies truth. Because of this, we must all remain very conscious and ware of all our thoughts and actions. As the great thinker Jiddu Krishnamurthi once said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

I must be in the throes of good health. A side effect--a direct-effect, really--of which is that I experience much anger in reaction to the function of the world. Excuse me, my perception of the function of the world. As an avowed Buddhist, I try my best to express myself and see the world positively or with neutrality. But it is all just so overwhelming. It is overwhelming to see why there is so much suffering (an incredibly vicious and stupefying cycle). As an avowed Buddhist, I have to accept suffering, mine and that of the world, as truth and reality. I have to deeply understand that suffering, dissatisfaction, and tumult are integral parts in this world of form, consciousness, personality, and attachment. In hindsight, my reactivity is a part of the condition of this vicious cycle.

For every time I see blatantly unconscious, distracted couples, or whenever I see a sexually charged promo for a night club and react in holier-than-thou, morally conscious manner,  and as though my sense of self were under attack, every time that happens I  buy into the sick society. I forget that critical thinking, skepticism, lay buddhism, and some forms of asexuality are continual practices. We have to stay on top of our game, and eventually, hopefully, being conscious and asexual in the world will be less of a chore. We will be more skilled in dealing with the ish. We will exist with great peace. I think the key is to be eternally accepting. (Sort of like that rule of improvisational theater, "never deny another's reality," or, “always say yes.")

To remain conscious in a sexual society is to be asexual, or as some would argue, pomosexual. Every action taken by an "adult" or young adult ought to enrich consciousness and awareness. Really, it ought to be this way because most if not all actions we take and thoughts we form are directly or indirectly  informed by education and conditioning by society and are, therefore, manifestations of subconscious seduction and advocation for ideas beyond our own volition, understanding and history. Honestly, it is a kind and considerate gesture to the sexual world for someone to be asexual; to postpone sexual advances and advancement until there is total conscious will. In this way of being we help stop not-rape. (For more notes on not-rape see shades of gray's post on not-rape and fugitivus post on not-rape)

(I have to say, I am not very happy with the definition of asexuality that "we just don't experience sexual attraction" ... Some argue that some asexuals are pomosexual. While this may be true for some people, like the angry or hostile asexual, pomosexuality holds little interest for the asexual except perhaps to further community, education, and pride with the LGBT&friends movement.)

And this brings me to the great realization I experienced these past few weeks of sitting: though I feel as though there is more to be explored in asexual identity, I also wish to return to the sexual realm with my gained knowledge, confidence, and awareness of self and other: a greater appreciation of "I and thou" vs. objectification. If I were to explore further my asexy identity, I would probably end up with my head (farther?) up my ass, metaphorically speaking. Really, there can only be so much analyzing by the asexual without them subverting and undermining their reality. (see asexy beast post on what asexuals like)

Asexuality is natural, a neutral state of consciousness. Asexuality humbles and piques awareness, so any forcefulness and anger that arises about the conduct of the world is steeped in ignorance; furthermore, asexuals do not belong on high horses claiming "higher" moral ground. An ancient habit, really. Even on our journey to build community and respect we must remember to remain as we are, humble and confident.