It seems as though there is a closet swooping in and trapping as many communities as possible. Riiight...It makes sense to talk about the closet for visibility (to be along side the LGBT movement) but I am unsure the closet should be used for education. And if you have been reading my posts closely, you will be able to tell that I am not so much for pandemic groupthink. Groupthink needs to be emergent. This is partly why I have skirted the AVEN site for three years--and I still have not visited it for the past couple of weeks, since I became actively interested in my asexuality. I have been reading blogs instead; they are more sincere and get down to the pure, distilled, truths and reality of the asexual individual. There is much more to be learned from one-on-one discourse than there is in groupthink (and inbreeding).
One of my favorite asexuality blogs is What Do You Mean by Sex
When authors and bloggers look into their own thoughts and really sit down and face their asexuality, they find gold. Well, not gold but more like seeds. Seeds of a beautiful life, seeds of compassion and deep understanding. The seeds are located in the heart, where love resides. These seeds can be cultivated, right there and then in the pure soils of our body and mind and yield direct-experience and soon after, an authentic flower, or two.
The more we look into our hearts, the more seeds of beauty and positivity we find. Do we really need any more seed from such supermarkets like AVEN? We can receive seed from the hearts of fellow gardeners. We can visit other gardens and speak heart-to-heart and share our stories.
Coming out
I am growing a garden. A beautiful garden. I may have only one or two flowers, but they are beautiful flowers, deeply rooted flowers. Many more flowers will come to be as I discover and cultivate seeds of asexuality with mindfulness. There is much joy in gardening. It is definitely Asexy.
I did not 'come out'. I do not need to come out. I am not trapped in a closet. On contrary, I am getting in touch with the liberation that has been there since my birth.I have had one conversation that could equate to "coming out". It was written in the form of a short letter to someone on whom I have a squish. What Do You Mean unearthed and carried back to her garden a copy of this beautiful word. The information was retrieved from the AVEN site but it was distilled onto their blog. Moreover, in such a context they offer a heart-to-heart talk, without the distractions, clamor, and confusion usually found a forum. Then again, I have not visited in a while. AVEN may be different now.
I think of it like Plato’s cave (Disclaimer: I have not really read for myself whatever it is he wrote about the cave). We hold truth and in our mind, the cave. When we come out of the cave to interact with others, or to visit the AVEN site, we collect more information and truths. We can then go back to our cave and recalibrate our reality (this is the key) with the new information so we are better able to live in the world. However, if we stay outside of the cave and continually calibrate our reality and essence with that of the world outside, our cave may grow unrecognizable. We may lose our selves.
After I received the transmission from the heart of Trix, gardener and author of What Do You Mean, the word "squish" illuminated the connection, relations and feelings I had experienced in middle school and high school, where there was maximum concentration and exposure to sex and sexuality. School was a place where, throughout my adolescence, I was attracted to many people, I had many squishes. Especially in high school. "Squish", combined with the literal aspect of the word "queer" (positive, novel, and perpetual intrigue, as state of being, really), initiated a cascading of understanding that led up to today where I behold enlightenment.
Letter to a squish (after reviewing it several times, I've decided to post
only a section of the letter):
...what's this all about? you may be wondering. It took me a bit of time to distill what was going on after our last meeting. Before I left, we put our hands together and some thing strange happened. My heart sort of ... broke. It felt like that moment I should really have wanted to 'like' you, but, it didn't happen. Could you could tell the exact moment? I think it shone on my face. Cuz I definitely felt it in my heart...area. It was a powerful emotion. Negative, positive, neutralizing? I'm still trying to figure that out. For the first time in almost 3 years I've been actively exploring my asexuality and you're really the first person I've come out to (i like to think of it as a blooming like a flower, an amaranth). Just trying to figuring it out. This is all very queer to me. Exciting. And nerve-wracking...
A poem:
Squish
Be not distracted by your attachments
Do not forget the humanity of squish
Squish, too, is human
Just like you.
Holding onto mental constructs of the squish
The sage, the lay, delays enlightenment
Squish has wishes, plans, and a full life story
Just like you.
In remberance, one opens the floodgates
Under the floodlights of awareness
Rust away the chains of duality
Reside in a state of perpetual metta
Remember the sage's eternal task:
Liberate the squish in mind & this realm
Wishing, "May all beings be happy!"
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